wishes and other fun stories

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach isgone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a
million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught m e about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Take time to laugh. It is the music of the soul.

KIDS IN MASS

3-year-old Reese:

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother asked her children as they

were on the way to Mass,

' why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peace, love and happiness s

The Teacher and Cheap Tomatoes!!!   
> 
>   This English teacher has phrased it the best I've seen yet.
>   Tomatoes and Cheap Labor
> 
>   CHEAP TOMATOES?
>   This should make everyone think, be you Democrat, Republican or Independent 
>   From a California school teacher - - - 
> 
>   'As you listen to the news about the student protests over illegal immigration, there are some things that you should be aware of:
> 
>   I am in charge of the English-as-a-second-language department at a large southern California high school which is designated a Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower socioeconomic and income levels.
> 
>   Most of the schools you are hearing about, South Gate High, Bell Gardens, Huntington Park, etc., where these students are 
>   protesting, are also Title 1 schools. 
> 
>   Title 1 schools are on the free breakfast and free lunch program. When I say free breakfast, I'm not talking a glass of milk and roll, but a full breakfast and cereal bar with fruits and juices that would make a Marriott proud. The waste of this food is monumental, with trays and trays of it being dumped in the trash uneaten. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK) 
> 
>   I estimate that well over 50% of these students are obese or at least moderately overweight. About 75% or more DO have cell phones.   The school also provides day care centers for the unwed teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13) so they can attend class without the inconvenience of having to arrange for babysitters or having family watch their kids. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK) 
> 
>   I was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or risk losing funding for the upcoming year even though there was little need for anything; my budget was already substantial. I ended up buying new computers for the computer learning center, half of which, one month later, have been carved with graffiti by the appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and grateful to have a free education in America  (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK) 
> 
>   I have had to intervene several times for young and substitute teachers whose classes consist of many illegal immigrant students here in the country less then 3 months who raised so much hell with the female teachers, calling them 'Putas' (whores) and throwing things, that the teachers were in tears. 
> 
>   Free medical, free education, free food, day care etc., etc., etc.  Is it any wonder they feel entitled to not only be in this country but to demand rights, privileges and entitlements?
> 
>   To those who want to point out how much these illegal immigrants contribute to our society because they LIKE their gardener and housekeeper and they like to pay less for tomatoes: spend some time in the real world of illegal immigration and see the TRUE costs. 
> 
>   Higher insurance, medical facilities closing, higher medical costs, more crime, lower standards of education in our schools, overcrowding, new diseases etc., etc., etc. For me, I'll pay more for tomatoes. 
> 
>   We need to wake up. The guest worker program will be a disaster because we won't have the guts to enforce it. 
>   Does anyone in their right mind really think they will voluntarily leave and return? 
> 
>   It does, however, have everything to do with culture: A third-world culture that does not value education, that accepts children getting pregnant and dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses to assimilate, and an American culture that has become so weak and worried about 'political correctness' 
>   that we don't have the will to do anything about it. 
> 
>   If this makes your blood boil, as it did mine, forward this to everyone you know. 
> 
>   CHEAP LABOR? Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about?
> 
>   Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage. 
> 
>   Consumers don't want expensive produce. 
> 
>   Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs.
> 
>   But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase 'cheap labor' is a myth, a farce, and a lie. There is no such thing as 'cheap labor.' 
> 
>   Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or 6.00/hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an 'earned income credit' of up to $3,200 free. 
> 
>   He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent.  He qualifies for food stamps.  He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care.
> 
>   His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school. 
> 
>   He requires bilingual teachers and books.
> 
>   He qualifies for relief from high energy bills.
> 
>   If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at (our) taxpayer's expense. 
> 
>   He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance.
> 
>   Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.
> 
>   He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits. 
> 
>   Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying their bills and his. 
> 
>   The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean-up. 
> 
>   Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people! 
> 
>   THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS WE SHOULD BE ADDRESSING TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR EITHER PARTY. AND WHEN THEY LIE TO US AND DON'T DO AS THEY 
>   SAY, WE SHOULD REPLACE THEM AT ONCE!

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b*&^% was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car .

I think this sums it quite nicely!!!!

Booze vs. Water

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information

    "You know you're a redneck when......

    1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

    2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

    3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

    4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

    5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.

    6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

    7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

    8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

    9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

    10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

    11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

    12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

    13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

    14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

    15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

    16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

    17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

    18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

    19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

    20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

    21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

    22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

    23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

    24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

    25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

    26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

    27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

    28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

    29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

    30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.