A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.  He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied,  "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the  cheek."

If this doesn't make you smile  ~ nothing  will!

Two ladies talking in heaven:


1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN 
 
 
 
 
 
         The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies
 and goes to Heaven. He is at
 
         the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
 However, the gates are closed,
 
         and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
 
 
         St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
 
         it is certainly good to see you. We have
 heard a lot about you I must
 
         tell you, though, that the place is filling
 up fast, and we have been administering
 
         an entrance examination for everyone.The
 test is short, but you have to
 
         pass it before you can get into Heaven."
 
 
         Forrest responds, "It sure is
 
         good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
 ever told me about any
 entrance
 
         exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too
 hard.
         Life was a big enough test
 
         as it was."
 
 
         St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
 
         know, Forrest, but the test is only three
 questions.
 
         First:
 
         What two days of the week begin with the
 letter T?
 
         Second:
 
         How many seconds are there in a year?
 
         Third:
 
         What is God's first name?"
 
 
         Forrest leaves to think the questions
 
         over. He returns the next day and sees St.
 Peter, who waves him up, and
 
         says, "Now that you have had a chance to
 think the questions over,
 
         tell me your answers"
 
 
         Forrest
 replied, "Well, the
 
         first one -- which two days in the week
 begins with the letter "T"?
 
         Shucks, that one is easy. That would be
 Today and Tomorrow."
 
 
         The Saint's eyes opened wide and
 
         he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
 was thinking, but you do
 
         have a point, and I guess I did not specify,
 so I will give you credit
 
         for that answer. How about the next one?"
 asked St. Peter.
 
 
         "How many seconds in a year?
 
         Now that one is harder," replied Forrest,
 but I thunk and thunk about
 
         that, and I guess the only answer can be
 twelve."
 
 
         Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
 
         Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could
 you come up
 with twelve seconds
 
         in a year?"
 
 
         Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
 
         got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
 March 2nd... "
 
 
         "Hold it," interrupts St.
 
         Peter. "I see where you are going with this,
 and I see your point,
 
         though that was not quite what I had in
 mind....but I will have to give
 
         you credit for that one, too. Let us go on
 with the third and final question.
 
         Can you tell me God's first name"?
 
 
         "Sure," Forrest replied,
 
         "it's Andy."
 
 
         "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
 
         and frustrated St Peter.
 
 
         "Ok, I can understand how you
 
         came up with your answers to
 my first two
 questions, but just how in the
 
         world did you come up with the name Andy as
 the first name of God?"
 
 
         "Shucks, that was the easiest
 
         one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
 from the song, "ANDY
 
         WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY
 TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
 
 
         St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
 
         and said: "Run Forrest, run."
 
 
 
 
 
         Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
 
         Give me the ability to understand a clean
 joke,
 
         To get some humor out of life,
 
         And to pass it on to other folk.

An 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come 
back with normal results.
       
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you 
doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
       
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor 
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to 
the bathroom,  poof.... the light goes on.
       
When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."
       
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 
"Ethel," he says,
"George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
 relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof....
 the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof....the light goes
 off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

  I hope you laugh as hard as I did.
 
   WHAT HAPPENS TO BORED HUSBANDS IN WALMART
 
   Ever wonder what happens when you get separated from your Husband in
   Wal-Mart?
 
   The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a local Wal-Mart
   Store.
 
   After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her
   husband shopping with her again!!!
 
 
   January 12, 2007
 
   Re: Mr. Bill Fenton: Multiple Complaints
 
   Dear Mrs. Fenton,
 
   Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
   quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
   and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of
   our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
   equipment.  Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the
   trouble your husband has caused.  All complaints against Mr. Fenton have
   been compiled and are listed below.
 
   15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
 
   1.) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
   carts when they weren't looking.
 
   2.) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
   5-minute intervals.
 
   3.) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
   restrooms.
 
   4.) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
   "Code 3 in house wares!" . And watched what happened.
 
   5.) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
   on layaway.
 
   6.) September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
   7.) September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
   shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
   department.
 
   8.) September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
   cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
 
   9.) October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
   mirror, and picked his nose.
 
   10.) November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
   the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
 
   11.) December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
   "Mission Impossible" theme.
 
   12.) December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
   using different size funnels.
 
   13.) December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
   yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
 
   14.) December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
   assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
   again!!!!"
 
   15.) December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
   awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE 

 This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! 

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School    ( California )
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine. 

 This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came
about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children 's absences and missing homework.  The school
and teachers are being sued by parents who want their  children's failing
grades changed to passing grades - even though  those children were absent
15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to
pass their classes. 

The outgoing message: 
  </ FONT>
 "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. 
  
 In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please 
 listen to all the options before making a selection: 
  
 * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 
 * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 
 * To complain about what we do - Press 3 
 * To swear at staff members - Press 4 
 * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 
 * If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 
 * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7 
 * To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8 
 * To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 
 * To complain about school lunches - Press 0 
 * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's
not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:   Hang up and have
a nice day!


 * If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.